I was going down the motorway when I came to the section which said "keep 2 Chevrons away from the vehicle in front"
I accelerated up to 110 mph trying to keep those 2 chevrons between me and the vehicle in front.
I thought this was very dangerous for me... he was OK though with those blue lights flashing on his car

I was sat at my PC the other night when the wife asked "What you looking at?"
I said I was looking for cheap flights... "ooh!" She said "I will come and help you"
Which really surprised me as I didn't think she even liked darts

I once went to a fancy dress party completely naked, painted green and giving a piggy back to a girl.
"Who have you come as?" the host asked
"I'm a Teenage Ninja Turtle" I replied
"And who is that on your back?"
To which I replied "Oh, that's Michelle"

The police have arrested 2 young boys.
One was eating the contents of fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid.
They say they let the first one off and will charge the second later.

I went to a new restaurant which has opened near me.
It has exotic birds on the menu.
I was going to try the Pelican but the bill was enormous.

A very posh man once had to travel on a budget airline.
Half way through the flight, a flight attendant approached him and asked "would you like a meal"
"Splendid" replied the posh guy, "What are the options?"
The flight attendant replied "The options are Yes or No"

I was once sat with a vegan friend and I was just about to eat a burger.
She said "How can you eat that?"
"It's plant based" I replied
"Really!" She said, "Which Plant?"
To which I replied "A meat processing plant!"

I was driving through Ireland one day, incredibly lost.
I stopped near a field and asked the farmer "How do I get to Dublin?"
"Well if I was you," He said "I wouldn't start from here."

I asked my Gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.
He asked me "It depends, how flexible are you?"
I said "I'm quite flexible but I can't do Tuesdays"

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I went to a zoo the other day but all they had in it was one dog
It was a Shih Tzu